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com probably didn't get replied to because man , it was way too long! It doesn't matter how good of a writer you are. I consider myself a fairly good writer -- I've been writing for a pretty darn long time -- but when I first plunged into online dating a number of years back and shot girls a bunch of long messages, all of which were exceptionally well-written, of course, I got back diddly squat.
Now, that's not entirely true I did have a few girls reply back then. But it was always much more of an intellectual discussion, and a lot less of an, "Oh boy, it's on! And the interest in the discussion usually petered out after a few messages and ran its course. And on top of that, the amount of time and effort I put into constructing those incredibly long messages simply wasn't justified by the meager returns they generated.
The second thing you need to pay attention to is helping her think. That means that questions like, "Tell me about yourself," are way too vague and are going to lead to women briefly scouring their brains for an answer, drawing a blank, and deciding to "come back to your message later" and then later never arrives. Leaving out a call to action is equally bad. You'll notice at the bottom of this post there's a call for you to jump on my newsletter.
That's on all my latest posts, many of the most popular ones, and I'm gradually going back and adding it to all earlier posts. Because if I don't make it clear what a reader ought to do and make it easy to do it readers are unlikely to do it by themselves.
It's too much mental footwork, and people -- everybody , just about -- want you to make things easy on them. If I told you, "Hey jump on my newsletter you've just got to head to this other page and fill out ten fields of information," you're going to think, "Nah, that's too much work. If instead I say, "Put your email in RIGHT HERE and click the button and you'll get tons of awesome insights," though, well -- you're a lot more likely to say, "Sure, why not?
Likewise, if you write a message to a girl that's devoid of calls to action -- clear, easy calls to action -- she's not going to know what to do with that message or if those calls are too complicated, she's going to feel unmotivated to comply and unless she's crazy into you, she isn't going to do a thing. Lily, hey.
That sounds like a wild experience you had with the apartment flood. I'm glad MY apartment is high enough in my building I don't have to worry about that! No big plans for the weekend; just hitting the beach on Sunday maybe. What say we head there together? I'll bring some food and we can do a picnic. Which message is more likely to get a useful response, that moves the interaction forward?
That's right; Message 2 is vastly more likely both to get a response, and to get a useful response. That's because it includes a clear call to action and it makes it a LOT easier for Lily to decide how to respond. The response Ted guides her to responding with is, "Sure, the beach sounds fun! What time do you want to meet? In Message 1 there's no clear way for Lily to easily respond back; she'll write a response if she's chasing very hard, but even then it isn't going to be the best kind of response; it'll most likely just awkwardly try to force rapport where no doors had been left open for it by Ted.
You need to make it easy for women and help them think to avoid ending up with message abandonment issues. Those three things will improve your reply rates to the messages you send so much you'll want to shake my hand. Finally, walk a mile in her shoes. This should go without saying, but you'd be surprised how often messages get written without a guy stopping and considering how a girl will receive them.
Still these days I'll be about to hit "Send" on an email or a message I'm sending to someone, and I'll stop, read through the message as someone else, and realize, "Whoa, this is still way too long, I need to cut out some paragraphs," or, "Oh man, I'm just talking about myself here this sounds totally self-absorbed and not like I have any consideration for them at all," and I'll go back and make edits. Always take the time to imagine how you'd receive a message like the one you're sending if you received it from a stranger.
If you'd feel a little annoyed at the length or the tone or you wouldn't know how to respond to it, you have some edits to make. I'll note that while I don't talk about online dating a whole lot on here, I used to do it quite a bit as a supplement to meeting women in the real world. It's useful too for getting good at learning how to write to women and finding out what's effective and what isn't. I know, it's tempting when you read a great profile or find a girl you're REALLY excited about to write her a novel telling her everything about yourself and relating it back to her -- such a message can even feel like a masterpiece as you put it together -- but take it from me having written many such masterpieces in the past -- yeah, those don't work.
No matter how beautifully constructed such messages may be, no matter how much of a perfect match the two of you really are, a girl's going to see a monster message like that, and instantly click the "back" button.
You've also got to help her think and make it intellectually undemanding. Even if she's a Ph. She's going to hit "back" on that one too. And you've got to be thinking about what mindset she's going to be in while reading this. She's probably reading a ton of messages from men -- it's an online dating website, after all -- and she's hearing a lot of the same thing -- a lot of:.
so you know she's getting tired of that. So you also know you've got to be different, intriguing, and light -- she should enjoy getting a message from you. Hey Casey. Welcome to town; hope the locals haven't been too rough on you. It's only bad until you're initiated ;. So, found it cool that you're an artist as well. Too forward of me to ask what kind of art? Going to rule out stonecutter, since it doesn't look like you have the forearms for it..
The base content -- welcoming her to town because she's new; asking her what kind of art she does -- that's going to be pretty standard; lots of guys will have asked her that. But if you throw in some unique perspectives -- joking that she doesn't look like she'd be a stonecutter, telling her the town's only bad until she gets initiated -- you're a lot more likely to capture her interest and get a reply.
Stella, hi. Saw that you classify yourself as a "free spirit," which I'm guessing means you do things like spend afternoons in the sun and trespass on personal property, maybe if you're a free spirit like I'm a free spirit, anyway :D. Chapel Hill caught my eye -- that's my second favorite part of town. How long've you been there? Maybe I've bumped into you there before or trespassed on your personal property All the same points as the last message, except pay special note to the attainability statement in the first paragraph "if you're a free spirit like I'm a free spirit, anyway :D".
You might not notice that unless you take a moment to walk a mile in her shoes -- but as soon as you do, and you add that statement in there, now suddenly you've transformed an accusation into a neat little "us vs. the world" sort of set up. There's also a "theme" in this message, of trespassing on personal property.
It's a little funny the first time, and it's unexpected and a little funny the second time. It ties the message together and makes it stronger, and you've quite possibly created an inside joke all on your own she's likely to write back joking about trespassing on personal property next time if she has a decent sense of humor.
I specify the day instead of the message here because there's a chance you trade 10 short, jokey messages back and forth in a day, or one message a day, and it isn't the message count that matters so much as how comfortable she's gotten with you. If you wait until day four or later to try to set things up, chances are that attraction's expired to the point that it's too far gone and she'll just be evasive or say "no.
Emails tend to look similar to online dating messages, except a little bit meatier and less focused with capturing short attention spans.
If you have a girl's email, chances are you've met in person and exchanged some conversation already at this point. Great meeting you yesterday. Was awesome to both find the book I was looking for and make a cool new friend at the same time.
Books and a bonus! How'd that test you had today end up going? Hopefully you aced the hell out of it and were the first one done, and all the other students glared at you in envy as you glided out the door to take the rest of the day off.
Thinking we ought to grab a bite or a drink sometime soon. Let me know if a weeknight or the weekend is better for you, and we'll set the unstoppable gears of planning our liaison in motion. Note that, again, we keep it relatively short, though not so short as an online dating message since you're already familiar with this girl at this point and she's familiar with you. You help her think -- telling her that you like her, without being overbearing about it; asking her how her test went, and then painting a rosy picture for her so she feels good even if it sucked; and including a call to action at the end.
And finally, we think about it from her perspective -- keeping things both interesting, and upbeat. If she's had a hard day of test taking, offering her an upbeat alternative gives her the chance to escape into your message -- and a date painted as an escape sounds quite inviting too. Message writing can feel daunting at first, but understand that it's both a skill and an art -- like well nigh everything else.
It's something you improve at with time, and it's something that if you remember to apply the fundamental rules of success to it, you'll maximize your chances of doing okay at from the outset. If you're a message writing novice, I'd suggest setting up some free accounts on online dating sites like PlentyOfFish. com and OKCupid. com and playing around with headline writing headlines are what get women to read your messages and message body writing the body, in conjunction with an engaging or intriguing headline, is what gets you replies.
The lessons you take away from online dating message writing can be readily applied to email writing, texting, even voicemails, phone conversations, and face-to-face interactions.
You get pretty rapid feedback -- if women aren't responding, or if they're taking a long time to write back, or if they're writing back but their responses are tepid, you know you've got some revision ahead of you.
And whenever you aren't getting the results you want, take it back to the basics, and ask yourself if you're keeping it short long messages are scary , if you're helping her think is it easy for her to understand you and respond to you? Chase woke up one day in tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating.
After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends plus plenty of failures along the way , he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System. SHOW COMMENTS 5 HIDE COMMENTS.
It only takes one date to get the girl you want. Best of all, the date's easy to get abd girls love it. Skip to main content. Keep it short, Help her think, and Walk a mile in her shoes. Talking to Strangers is Different I like to be thorough, and I like to cover all the points. Paying her a more meaningful compliment is a breath of fresh air for her. Mentioning something yummy-sounding works just as well on dating apps.
In fact, it literally stimulates your brain and makes you feel good. And the better she feels about talking to you, the more likely she is to share her number. The example above is more suited for an online dating site where longer messages are the norm, but you can get her talking about herself on a dating app with a short message like this Weekday evenings are generally the best time to send an online dating icebreaker.
Many women unwind from a long day at work by firing up a dating app while catching up on Netflix. According to Nielsen , activity on both OkCupid and Tinder peaks at 9 pm, and usage starts to rapidly decline after 10 pm. On Bumble, the real action starts a little earlier, with activity peaking at 6 pm. And if you happen to find yourself stuck inside due to inclement weather like a blizzard, hurricane or rainstorm, put these first message examples to good use.
NBC News did a little investigating, and found that bad weather goes hand in hand with increased activity on dating sites and apps. In many cases, the increase was pretty dramatic. There are a ton of variables involved, like your photos and your online dating profile. The more messages you send, the more desperate you look. Online daters are too smart to fall for them. That's crazy - you don't have that kind of time, especially when it's a numbers game.
Not only do copy and paste messages work , but we get incredible results for our clients with them. And many intelligent daters recognize the wisdom of using them, like this woman who weighed in on a Quora forum discussion:. Nothing kills your online dating game quicker than being dull, assuming she's on a dating app just to hook up, or sounding just like every other guy who's messaged her that day. You have to keep her attention every step of the way, and build attraction with every message.
Our online dating experts handle your profile, your photo, and all that tedious back-and-forth messaging. All you do is show up for the dates! Click here to find out more. Imagine your very own Dream Team of highly skilled dating experts searching for the very best local matches, sparking their interest, and arranging all the dates for you. Wouldn't it be nice to finally stop swiping and start dating higher quality matches so you can meet someone special?
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The first thing you read in the post was a bold face lie. I need this, no, WE need this to be a PSA for guys of the internet who are doing online dating, on how to send a first message. Since I write a blog about the good, bad and funny of online dating, a lot of my female friends send me a lot of their good, bad and funny interactions from online dating. Most of them falling into the bad and funny categories. Especially when I receive screen shots of first messages like the one below :.
I mean, they must not right? They must think they are so fucking clever sending these copy and pasted messages to lots of women a night. Maybe we can make this a thing? Like next time a guy sends you a super generic message on online dating you respond with nothing else except a link to this post, letting them know, that you know, his message was a piece shit. These are two screen shots already submitted! I think? Meaning I have objectives that I try to meet with each message that I send.
How I demonstrate I actually took the time to read her profile is by commenting on something specific mentioned in her profile DUH. I loved 6th grade so much, I took it twice! Mentioning shared interest helps create the buy in, she needs to relate to you. I once dressed up as Luke Skywalker for 6 months straight, prior to the release of the Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith! Well in order for that to happen, you have to ask her questions.
Preferably, open ended questions, in regards to her profile. She will be more likely to respond if you ask her about something mentioned in her profile, as opposed to a random question you want answered. Are you currently training for another run? Bad Examples: How many kids do you want?
what is it? How many sexual partners have you had? There absolutely is that one girl that is an egotistical maniac that loves hearing stuff like that from strangers on the internet. But for the most part, to most women on dating websites, it comes off as corny, creepy and repetitive. It should be short, concise and have questions, so she can have the opportunity to respond. But believe it or not I actually re-read my messages many times, checking for spelling and grammatical errors.
Here are a few screen shots of a few of the last messages I sent out. Also, I assume what I write actually matters. I assume that I should actually be TRYING to write a quality message because the content of the message is actually going to be read and weighed in the decision process of whether or not she will be responding back to me. Be honest, does it fucking matter? It COULD be a tell-tale sign of things to come in the relationship. I wonder how many good, lasting relationships started with a copy and pasted message he sent to 15 other women that same night.
You were just a number in his numbers game, he just happened to be attractive. You, deserve, better. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. Skip to content 0.
I decided to write about this topic for two reasons. Guys need to know that when they send super generic messages, women can tell they copied and pasted that exact message to lots of other women. I want to see if the structure of my messages that I send out is actually good? My examples are jokes. Calm down. More From Thought Catalog. How The Eczema Community On Instagram Helped Me Find My Empowerment, Despite Skin Struggles.
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Studies by OKCupid show that no greeting works best in an initial message. And mental footwork is an investment. Profiles that feature excessive selfies can be seen as a sign of weakness. And to keep you on track, I am also including an explanation on why certain lines work. Online Dating Tips For Men, Women -Dating Profile Starter Kit -Best Dating Apps For Women -How To Be Successful On Dating Apps -Dating App Resource Guide -Dating Profile Red Flags -Dating App Anxiety -Conversation Starters -Online Dating Etiquette Guides -What Do Your Photos Signal?Online dating messages writing can feel daunting at first, but understand that it's both a skill and an art -- like well nigh everything else. If instead I say, "Put your email in RIGHT HERE and click the button and you'll get tons of awesome insights," though, online dating messages, well -- you're a lot more likely to say, "Sure, why not? Do these things: Ask simple questions Share simple stories that don't require much analysis Add clear calls to action that are easy to say "yes" to Online dating messages three things will improve your reply rates to the messages you send so much you'll want to shake my hand. Grinders is another place that serves deep dish pizza. There absolutely is that one girl that is an egotistical maniac that loves hearing stuff like that from strangers on the internet.